Lonely Day

Sometimes it feels like no one is reading this except me.  Being anonymous is harder because you can't promote your blog to people you know.  And I don't have facebook, the main place for promoting non-anonymous blogs.  And it doesn't seem like I'm posting stuff that is extreme or really personal yet, so why do I feel the need to be anonymous?  I need to dig deeper.  I still want to remain anonymous.  If no one reads this, it's ok.  It's just for fun.  It's like an online diary that can only be read by strangers.  An organization of my thoughts and work.  It's still helpful and enjoyable to me.

Besides, I get my attention fix from writing fanfiction.  They really seem to like my stories.  Or maybe they just generally go crazy over everything on there.  Nevertheless, I enjoy that site.  I'm thinking if I ever have any good fiction that isn't fanfiction to post, I'll get an account on Writer's Cafe.  It looks like an interesting site.  The reviews go into more detail there.

Whenever I write on here I tend to not be able to stop.  So many thoughts to express.  I'll talk about my day.  That's why I decided to blog tonight.  To rant about my crappy day.

I woke up early (for me) at 9 am, thinking I had a lesson at 10 am, when my lesson was actually at 11 am, so that was probably one of the best parts of my day, because I got extra time to do stuff, like check my email and watch Nadia: the Secret of Blue Water, which I did.

I got to my lesson five minutes early, which was unusual for me.  And when I got to my lesson my teacher was there.  I half expected her to be just as late, because I am often late, so she shows up just as late to show her disdain for my bad time-management skills.  She's passive-aggressive like that.  I admit being late is rude, but it's just so hard for me to be on time for some reason.  I've been bad at getting to things on time as long as I can remember.  It's my main bad habit.  That, and sleeping in.  So I'm early and she's actually there to appreciate that, and this is putting me in a good mood.  But she actually turns out to be kind of mad that I'm early.  She says she has to quickly check her mail, otherwise she'll be in trouble.  Tells me to warm up or relax.  And then she comes back, 10 minutes later.  So I show up five minutes early and our lesson ends up starting five minutes late.  It's rather infuriating.  But I'm too shy to speak up about these things, although they have happened before.  I could write an entire entry on the unprofessional-ism of my singing teacher this year.  Maybe I will.  Anyway, I will give you one example of how she has wasted my lessons.  This has happened twice during lessons with her and my accompanist-coach.  They send me out into the hall so they can talk about secret things I don't need to know.  The second time this happened I was waiting out in the hall for fifteen minutes!  I think they're probably talking about a girl in our studio who recently dropped out of the music faculty.  But it could be me.  Or just randomly gossiping about other teachers and students.  I don't really give a fuck.  Unless it's an emergency, I think it can wait.  I don't know why they don't arrange a coffee date outside of class.  It's just so unbelievaly rude and unprofessional.  I guess because I don't speak up they think it's okay to treat me like this.  If I were them, I would feel bad about it.  If or when I teach, I will treat my students with respect.  My previous teacher was extremely professional.  I think one lesson he left for a minute to refill a water bottle.  That's it.  I really miss that teacher.  Previous teacher, if you know who I am somehow and you are reading this, come back!!  I'm begging you!  Yes, it's that bad. 

Anyway, I have gone off on a tangent.  Back to my bad day.  After the initial suckyness, the lesson went fairly well.  But I had another lesson an hour later (with my teacher and accompanist).  I wasn't early but slightly late.  The problem was that I had just learned the Bach piece I brought in a few days ago and it was barely ready to be worked.  So I think I made a lot of unnecessary mistakes and they were losing their patience with me.  I lost some of my previous confidence in myself for a while after that lesson.  You have to work so hard to sound half decent in the classical world.  I don't know if I will be able to bring that to the table for my vocal jury.  I hope I can.  I'll just have to keep trying.  So that depressed me.  My teacher also said something in the earlier lesson that resonated with me.  She said that I need to really feel the emotion of the piece and bring it out and that I'm not yet confident in my body.  That is definitely true, but it kind of hurt to hear it from her.  Sometimes I take criticism too harshly.  I'll just have to work harder.

So I went home and had lunch.  I finished the Nadia series which was sad, but also a relief.  And I wanted to go to a masterclass, but I didn't get ready to go soon enough, so I missed it.  That depressed me.

I went to get my police check and got it back.  That was easy.

Then I decided to practise and learn music.  I learned Thank You For the Music by ABBA and a song from Kiki's Delivery Service (piano and voice), but they proved too challenging.  I don't have the accompaniment quite right, which is frustrating.  I went through the Bach piece again and with her diction suggestions it took so much effort that my abs hurt!  Is this how it feels every time you sing with a supported sound?  How can you enjoy it and endure it then?  I don't know.  Another thing she said stuck with me: "Most musicians and singers don't sing with their full voice."  It makes me wonder if that's really what I want to be known for: a supported sound?  I will need to think about this some more.

So as I continued practicing and learning music, the campus became quite empty, since it is a Friday, which always puts me in a bad mood.  And I became quite tired.  Coffee didn't help.  Then I realized my cell phone was missing, but I thought I left it at home, so I didn't go home.

Speaking of home, I made cupcakes the day before and left some out for my roomies, but none of them had been eaten yet, when usually they were eaten quite quickly.  This made me sad.  I'm being over-sensitive, but it still made me sad.

One cool thing happened.  As I walked by the cafeteria, I was really craving curly fries, but I didn't want to spend too much money since I was eating out for dinner.  So I resisted and went to get my coffee and on the way some people were giving out free chocolate ice cream!  So I had that instead.  It seemed that they packed up right after that, too.  So if I got the curly fries I would have missed it.  It was a cool coincidence.

Eventually I went to an Indian restaurant  for dinner, but the bus took me too far and I had to walk for a longer time, which sucked.

Then I went to the theatre to see a play called "An Experiment With an Air Pump."  I was there early so I got to read my Margaret Atwood book, which was nice.

The play was really good, but I won't talk about that right now.  I saw a classmate of mine there.  We talked for a while during intermission, but she didn't seem to want to talk too long, probably because she was with her boyfriend.  During the part where they are having a funeral for one of the characters, who has hung herself (sorry for the spoiler!) she and her boyfriend were laughing uncontrollably.  Like, what the hell?  And then, afterwards, they slipped away really quickly and left me to walk home alone.  And I did not know the area of that university very well.  On my way home, I must have encountered at least five groups of young guys out partying.  The worst kind of group to bump into, according to my dad.  Luckily, nothing bad happened.  But I kept wishing I had friends or a boyfriend to come with me.  But I don't have a boyfriend and I figured my roommates or classmates wouldn't be interested or they would have had other plans (in layman's terms I am too shy to ask them to come with me).

So I made it home to find out that my cell phone wasn't there.  Later that night I found out that the music faculty secretary had found it, but I was really worried before hand.  The third time I have lost something this week.  I'm so forgetful and I don't know how to fix it.

Anyway, another lonely day, and it's mine.  It's a day that I'm glad I survived.  There were some good moments, but I think the bad moments outweighed them.  It's not winning any awards, but it wasn't a great day.  I generally hate Fridays.

I might tell you about Nadia: the Secret of Blue Water later.  I'm too tired right now.  I will tell you about the cupcakes, though.  Everything turned out quite well except the tootsie roll hat rims.  I don't know how one would have the patience to stretch several Tootsie Rolls until you can mold them.  They are really firm.  Other than that, the recipe was successful!  It took so much time.  I don't think I will do it again, unless I have a lot of time and money on my hands.  The ingredients were expensive, in some cases.  They are delicious, though!  I wish my roommates liked them.  To be fair, one of them had one tonight.  So that's good.

Here's hoping tomorrow is better,  For you and for me.  For everyone.

What's happening lately

Current musical phase: ABBA

I was obsessed with them in childhood, and since I burned them to my iPod yesterday, I haven't been able to play anything else.  Every once in a while it sounds like indie or techno, because they use a lot of synthesizer.  "SOS," "Gimme, gimme, gimme," "Voulez-vous," "Does your mother know" and "Thank you for the music" are masterpieces. 

ABBA is also a musical form.  Haha.

I thought I had caught the Owl City fever as well, and I listened to some of their songs, but I think it's just the song "Fireflies" that I like.  The rest is not very remarkable.

Current book:  The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood

I haven't read that much yet, but so far it reminds me of 1984.

Current anime: Nadia: the Secret of Blue Water

Such an awesome anime.  I got into it because I heard my favourite Disney movie (Atlantis) was largely based on it (to the point of copying it).  Watching it now, I have to agree.

Milo = Jean
Kida = Nadia
Helga = Electra
Rourke = Gargoyle
Mole = Hanson

Both casts of characters live on a submarine most of the time.  Nadia: The Secret of Blue Water is longer, with more character development.  Also, the villains in Nadia are the Neo-Atlanteans, while the heroes are the surviving Atlanteans and the descendants of the Atlanteans.

The series is very imaginative and you can learn a lot about science from it, like in Star Trek.  It also kind of reminds me of Pokemon and Trigun.  Pokemon, because the villainous trio is pretty much exactly like Team Rocket, although Pokemon came later, so Pokemon copied this series.

Grandis = Jessie
Sanson = James
Hanson = Meowth (only human, and much more intelligent)

They have almost the exact same voices and appearances, although Sanson has a very aristocratic British drawl while James has more of a gay British accent.

It's also similar to Trigun, because of the animation style and the constant theme of whether it is worth it to be pacifist.  On the Nautilus, there are occasions when people have to die in order to defeat Gargoyle, and there is no other option.  Like Vash, Nadia is a pacifist throughout the entire series, and it costs her sometimes.  She is a lot more vocal about it, though.

Also, the villains (Neo-Atlanteans) are quite frightening for anime, which is refreshing.  They wear KKK hoods that are black (kind of like the Death Eater hoods) and army uniforms that are like the Nazi, Soviet and American soldier uniforms and white frowning masks.  These villains don't make speeches, fly around in silly machines and cackle evilly.  They shoot people, make nuclear weapons and believe in a superior race.  Yeah.  Get your kids to watch this one, parents!   I lost sleep watching the first few episodes with these villains.  They are creepy.  Those KKK hoods really scare me for some reason, and I'm not even black.

I've really enjoyed watching it so far.  Sometimes, I'll watch 3 or 4 in a night.  It is addicting.  But I'm still only on episode 25 and there are 39 altogether, so I'm about 2/3 through the series.  It doesn't seem to be very well known.  I guess because it's from 1990 (older than Pokemon!).  I highly recommend this series to people who like any of these shows/movies: Atlantis, Pokemon, Trigun and Star Trek. 

In conclusion, it is a combination of Disney's "Atlantis," "Pokemon," "Trigun," and "Star Trek."  But it is original in many aspects.


What I will be baking soon: St. Patrick's Day cupcakes

I will tell you how it goes.  They are green cupcakes with green sugar, white icing, green gummies made into shamrocks and Leprechaun hats made from green icing, Ritz crackers, marshmallows, M&Ms and Tootsie Rolls.  Go to the website if you want to try making it as well.  Warning: it was hard for a college student like me to find all the materials (my apartment is kind of understocked with obscure baking supplies and ingredients).

Here it is: http://hoosierhomemade.com/st-patricks-day-cupcakes-cupcake-tuesday/
 
Her version looks awesome.  The woman on this website seems very creative.  Wish me luck!  Luck of the Irish, that is!

Crowded singing

For the past few months I and another hundred or so students have been working on a piece by Monteverdi called "Vespro della Beata Vergine" (The Monteverdi Vespers).  It is an hour-long piece for an enormous 8-part choir or two enormous 4-part choirs, soloists and a medium-sized chamber orchestra with thirteen movements.  We had our concert tonight so it is finally finished and I am very happy that it is over and we don't have rehearsal for another week.

Why am I telling you this?  For the last two months rehearsals have been very hard to bear because of overcrowding.  It wasn't as bad as a factory farm or a Japanese subway station, but it is pretty close to it. Even during the concert, when we are expected to give our best performances, we were still squished together.  It was almost like rehearsing in a crowded setting was a practice for the crowdedness of the performance.  And instead of desks, we had to sit in black uncomfortable folding chairs so we could fit everyone in the classroom we rehearsed in.  I got especially frustrated last week when I was rehearsing with this massive choir for two hours every day.  It would be hard to find a bigger place to rehearse and perform without paying a lot of extra money, but I felt that this overcrowding negatively effected our singing.

In the last few rehearsals, which dominated my weekend (instead of, you know, having a social life or at least getting some homework done), our director and other students noticed some serious problems: bad tuning in almost every section, no facial expression, people not watching the conductor, people texting in rehearsal, tentative rhythm, people still not getting some of their pitches.  I think some of this might have been improved if people weren't packed in like sardines at the front of the church.

When we were performing, all dressed up, ready to go, if I moved my arm slightly, it would touch the person next to me, and I'd end up touching them if I leaned back.  I actually felt my back hurting a few minutes into the piece.  I also could barely see the conductor and since I was between two people, I couldn't move to be able to see him better.  By the end I was exhausted.  If you've ever been in a choir, you know how annoying all of this is.

In conclusion, I wish I had more room in choir because then I would probably sing better and not be as bored and cranky and tired.

Now I'm going to go and write some darned good fanfiction gosh darn it!

P.S. Damn it, Janet!

Posting for the hell of it

Hello there.

Not too much news.  Nothing too interesting.  But I wrote half a song today.  I wish I could show you but I currently can't.  This is new for me, because I usually just write song lyrics and never set them to music because I'm too afraid to.  But today, after playing some Sarah Harmer for fun, as usual, I wrote a sort-of song.  Well, it's not done yet, but I did a good chunk of it.  But I didn't write the words.  Perhaps that's what was holding me back.  I needed something that I didn't create in the song.  So I spontaneously pulled out a monologue I did for my Acting for Singers class and set it to music.  And I actually like what I've written.  Maybe I'll continue or finish writing the song tomorrow.  The first few lines of the monologue (by David Lindsey-Abaire) go like this:

"And what's interesting about George Washington, and most people don't know this about him, he wasn't just the father of our country, he was also the father of the first septuplets born in the United States.  Martha gave birth the seven children on October 5th, 1762.  Five of the children were very badly behaved, so they were sold into white slavery, while the two remaining, Maxwell and Hortense, drowned tragically in the Potomac while trying to retrieve their father's wooden teeth, which had fallen out of his mouth while he was beating a seagull with a canoe paddle."

The monologue is really funny.  I'm thinking I might put the whole thing to music, so it will be longer than a conventional song, but I don't really give a fuck.  Generally the better songs are like that anyway.  Ok, not always, but often.  I also wonder if I have to get some kind of permission to use David Lindsay-Abaire's text in a song if it gets performed or something.  It probably won't, so at this point I won't worry about it.

I also keep getting cool fanfiction ideas for my current stories.  I'm going to post another story on my fanfiction.net soon.  It will be another Atlantis story, about an old coworker of Milo's named Beatrice, a university student in love with Milo, who tries to find Atlantis in Milo's honour, believing him to be dead.  I'm really excited about this story, which was actually inspired by the Imogen Heap song "The Moment I Said it."  A lot of my stories and fantasies are inspired by specific songs.  Music just says so much.  A picture is worth a thousand words, while a piece of music is worth a million words. 

What is frustrating about having crazy amounts of creativity is that I don't get my practicing and homework done.  But what am I supposed to do?  Just ignore my ideas and let them itch at me while I focus on things that aren't as exciting?  It's hard.  Creating is so addicting.

Also, me and my roomies had a cleaning party tonight.  This has happened more than once.  Yes, university students doing chores and not having a completely crappy time.  It wasn't really a party, but one of my roommates put on some Motown 60s music and soon all five of us were asking to help out.  I Windexed my mirror and a bathroom mirror, cleaned a bathroom sink and vacuumed my room.  Not really that much, but the other stuff got taken!  It was kind of fun, but I'd rather watch a movie, to tell you the truth. 

Alright.  That's more than I thought I would write.  I always have more to say than I think on here.  Goodnight, fellow bloggers and readers!

Divorced Men

A poem I wrote last night.

Divorced Men:

I miss you
You always smelled like flowers
Like a woman
I wanted that scent
so I could breathe it in every day and feel you
picture you
put in on and become you
I still want to become you
You're perfect
Your dirty blond hair
Your moon-shaped glasses
Your shoulder bag
Your salads
Your smile
Your quick wit
Those rebellious ears that stick out
Just like you do
In a crowd
The freckles and tiny hairs on your arms
Your slim fingers
So perfect
So immaculate
So precise
Your forest green cardigans and white dress shirts
Your tweed jacket and pants
Your ancient blackberry
Your voice
Smooth as milk and honey
Your exercises
Your books
Your mind
Your ring
Which you no longer wear
What do divorced men do with their rings?
Do they make love to them?

Culinary criticism... and praise

I went to Williams for breakfast at 11 am today and ordered a Strawberry Caramel Waffle.  I knew I would enjoy it, but I didn't expect it to be heaven on a plate!

It was perfect.  I don't think I could offer any criticism except more strawberries.

The ingredients?  Freshly made waffle, strawberry syrup, strawberries, caramel, two scoops of vanilla ice cream, whipping cream and icing sugar.

In a word: amazing.  Five stars!

Probably not at all healthy, but it was fucking delicious and it made my day!

And I wasn't too bloated when I was finished either, but that might have been because of how much my stomach stretched last night...

Last night I went to an Indian restaurant in Brampton called "Tandoori Flame."  It was an all-you-can-eat buffet with 150 items!  Basically Mandarin only with Indian food.  And since Indian food is pretty much my favourite type of cuisine, I was in paradise!

They had all my favourites, like chana masala, basmati rice, gulab jamun, garlic naan, cute mini samosas, etc, but they also had unique things I'd never tried before, like this really tasty black lentil dish and some kind of curried potato and cauliflower dish.  I was going to do four trips, two for main course, one for soup (dal) and the last one for dessert, but by my second trip (where I had taken a large helping of chana masala, my all time favourite) I was ready to surrender.

But I had to have my gulab jamun!  That's my other all-time favourite!  So I drank a LOT of water, and went to the bathroom and ate watermelon and sat for a long time, but I was so full it was painful!  It hurt to stand up!  Indian food is so filling!  So I had one gulab jamun, which tasted amazing, and gave the other to my brother.  Everything was cooked so well.  Very warm and spicy and full of flavour.

There were two things I didn't see: Mulligatwony (sp?) soup and Pakora.  But pakora isn't really one of my favourites, although Mulliagatwony is.  Definitely on my top 5 restaurants list, which has just formed in my brain now.  Five stars!  It was great.  I just have to know my limits next time.  Small servings, don't be a hero...

This talk of food is making me hungry.  Time for lunch!

Quickie Post

Hi peoples,

I'm a bit busy with school now, so I will make this short, but I just realized I left the blog on a sad note - that my first day back was bad, but the rest of the week actually went quite well.  Thursday and Friday I was in an extremely good mood.  And the weeks after that have been nice, too.  I've kind of realized that everything I am afraid of is completely harmless.  I'm afraid of learning to act, afraid of getting vocal techniques wrong, afraid of embarrassing myself in front of people, afraid of being criticized, afraid of not being at the same level as other people in my year, afraid that my repertoire isn't right for me, afraid of things that are out of my comfort zone, but all of that is just learning, and lately, the scariest things have been the most enjoyable things.  So I've decided to not give a fuck and just enjoy myself.  Does any of this really truly matter in the grand scheme of things?  Definitely not.  So I'm just going to try to enjoy myself, no matter what I'm doing, and try my best.

Speaking of enjoying myself, I am still right into fanfiction.net.  I check it every day.  Sometimes more than every day.  Although, I haven't posted on there too recently.  People have been eating up my stories!  Ok, not a lot, but I've actually been getting reviews and people subscribing to my stories.  It's so awesome!  And on the stats page it tells you how many people looked at your stories each day, and you can see all the different countries of the people reading your stories.  My readers are mostly American and British, but I've got readers from Chile, Belgium, Mexico, Germany, France, etc...  I love that site!

Now off to do my homework for Acting for Singers... practicing my monologue, and critically watching "Pride and Prejudice."  Yes, I am serious. I shall enjoy this assignment immensely.

Until I post again,

Psychicbyinternet

P.S. I have no idea why this post has taken the form of a letter.