Stoner Food Reviews (Rebaked!), Day 4

Howdy poltergeists!

Listening to: The Weepies

Today I will review some Christmasy delights.  This may be a booze-soaked endeavour, fair warning.  And I am a sloppy drunk.

First!

EGG NOG WITH SCOTCH

Nice, nice, nice.  You can taste both very well.  It's a nice eggnog in which you can definitely taste the spices and you get bite and warmth from the scotch.  My wine-obsessed brother would call it blasphemy to imbibe an entire scotch before reviewing another liquid.  Ha!  He doesn't know what he's missing!  Very tasty is all I can say.  A nice winter buzz drink.  Probably wouldn't want to get drunk on this seeing as it has so much dairy but it's a nice day drinking kind of mixer in my opinion.  It's no Caucasian but at the very least it's an Oriental (racism is hilarious!)

CANDY CANE LANE TEA

Decided to play the Weepies' Christmas song "All that I want" for this so I feel all Christmassy right now!  This tea is great.  Can taste the mint, not too weak and it's nice and sweet and flavourful.  It's a good tea, what can I say?  And it's warming me up really well.  My mouth feels a bit of a cold feeling from this afterward.  Let's try a swish.  Eh, more mint, nothing new.  But it's warm and the mint is prominent and I like it and that's that, alright?  Leave it alone for God's sakes.

Okay bye.

Announcement!  The saddest song of the week is Stars by The Weepies (especially this particular music video for the song): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1pV9M7GYOKM

Next week we eat greek fire.

Stoner Food Reviews (Rebaked!), Day 3

Greetings ghosts!

Listening to: Death Cab for Cutie, Taylor Swift, The Weepies
Watching: 30 Rock
(Don't worry, this becomes important later.  Nah, just kidding.)

Today is feast day apparently.  I'm staying up late for this but it's worth it because I am having a stoner tea party for one!  Today's spread consists of 6 items; a chocolate crepe snack, strawberry wafers, macarons, super special crackers with swiss, cheddar and smoked cheddar, Johnnie Walker scotch and cinnamon-vanilla tea.  Nom nom nom is all I can say aboot that, eh?

First item I will eat is… hard to pick.  Okay, I think I'll go for the crackers.

CRACKERS WITH CHEESE

These are actually special, super thin crackers that I got from Loblaws (Savoury Crisps by 34 Degrees) with a cute spirally design that essentially stand back and let the filling speak for itself and offer a few little improvements.  I'm using cheddar, swiss and smoked cheddar inside the crackers, very thinly sliced in cracker sandwich format.



Cheddar:

Mmmm, great chewy texture, the cheddar is just so nicely emphasized yet shrouded a bit by the cracker.  I love how thin they are. Super tasty and a cute, pleasant-to-feel-in-your-mouth snack.  Does that mean it has mouth feel?  Fuck if I know.

Smoked cheddar:

Taste the smoke right away.  It seems quite emphasized and perhaps also coloured by the cracker.  Tastes like a roaring fireplace in the dead of winter. The texture of the smoked cheddar works really well with the thin, malleable, chewy cracker.  Bam! is all I can say.

Swiss:

Mmm… So good.  Swiss is so much lighter than the forceful smoked cheddar.  To me, it tastes like stinky feet, but like a delicious stinky feet that you would eat.  Yep, all of these cheeses taste phenomenal with these crackers.  Can't get over how nice the texture of the cracker and cheese feels it my mouth.  These crackers are truly a pleasure to eat.  Sad that that's over, although that does mean I'm onto my fucking 3-course dessert because why not diabetes, right?

MACARONS

Got these from my local grocery store bakery.  I love these so I'm guessing I will enjoy this.  3 flavours, which will be announced as I go.  Also, that is what they were labeled as but the labels could be wrong.

Blueberry:

Ultra amazing great!  Texture hits me right away, super soft and easy to bite into.  Definitely blueberry. Sugary, but that works for this dessert.  Very flavourful as well.

Pistachio:

Yup, definitely pistachio.  They nailed the flavour.  Absolutely delicious.  Nice and creamy and sweet.  My god these things are wonderful.

Either Pumpkin Spice or Creamsicle (both of those were orange):

It's a gamble.  If it's Pumpkin Spice my crush likes me and if it's Creamsicle he doesn't.  PUMPKIN SPICE!  Oh wow, they did a good job.  That is a perfect Halloween treat.  Creamy again, the spices are there but not overpowering.  Really good.

STRAWBERRY WAFERS

Yup, those taste both good and of strawberry.  Great texture; that's half the reason you buy them right there.  Although, they do have a bit of an artificial flavour, definitely overly sweet as well.  They aren't as good as the other treats.

CHOCOLATE CREPE SNACK

Mmm… I warmed it up.  Chocolatey, definitely tastes like crepe (pun not at all intended).  The chocolate tastes very dark and rich.  I personally would prefer more of a milk chocolate but it's good for what it is.  I'm cold and the warmth of it is definitely making me feel cozy.  Not too sweet.  It's good, but not amazing.

SCOTCH

Bottoms up.  The sweet stuff from before definitely makes this taste sweet.  I wonder what kind of pairings I could do with this.  Very interesting flavour.  Tastes way better high than sober for some reason.  I think it tastes too gasoline-ish and bitter sober but high and after some sweets it tastes sweet and pleasant.  It really warms me up inside - very toasty flavour.  Oh, swishing it in my mouth is a recipe for burning of the mouth and bitter, gasoline taste.  Yeah, I think I'll just sip without swishing.  Well, one more swish just to make sure I didn't miss anything noteworthy beyond gasoline taste.  Nah.  Not a big fan of this scotch.  I hope that isn't blasphemy in the scotch circles.  I'm sure they consider me a troglodyte anyway so whatever.

CINNAMON-VANILLA TEA

Can't have a tea party without tea!  It's herbal!  It tastes kind of weird.  I can pick up the cinnamon.  Kind of a strange subtle cinnamon taste.  Can taste the vanilla only slightly.  It's mostly just watery.  Not a huge fan of this.  I steeped it a while so the weak flavour is not my fault.  Yeah, this tea is meh.

So… 2 were amazing, 2 were okay and 2 were bad or meh.  A full gamut of quality.  Honestly I thought I'd love all of it so that's surprising.  Ta-ta for now!

Next week we eat yellow snow and the little known orange snow.  

Stoner Food Reviews (Rebaked!), Day 2

Good afternoon, spectres!

Today I am waking and baking because I was actually too high to review last night.  As a stoner, I have a responsibility to drop the ball immediately upon doing any sort of daily regimen, yes, even eating.  So today I am doing two reviews.  Wake and bake and then evening delight.  As an added bonus I am going to go to work high (don't worry, I'm not driving, like a stoner would have a car!  Ha!)  Listening to Ed Sheeran today because that's relevant.

Okay, so our first dish is a dal makhani curry by Gits instant curries served with some succulent basmati rice.  I am dying of hunger.  It was extremely treacherous not actually eating the curry before writing.  Agh.  Okay so I'm going to eat now.

DAL MAKHANI

Yes, yes, delicious.  Nice and hearty, kind of almost has a beefy taste, the lentils in this.  Apart from Paneer Makhani and Chana Masala, this is one of my favourite curry dishes and Gits does a good job.  I think I added a hint too much rice to mine, but that was my mistake, not anyone else's!  Not being accusatory.  Yes, quite nice with the rice.  I had a thought, but I forgot.  Can taste the spiciness as well but it's pretty mild, which is good because I can't take things that are too spicy.  This curry is so creamy, it's just so good with a nice bed of rice.  I keep rhyming nice and rice.  I like that this one has both the lentils and some kidney beans because the beans really give it a nice beefy protein.  It is just a good curry.  Like a nice, proteiny, hearty hug that isn't going to kill you as much as other food that are hugs, you know, comfort food, filling and delicious and comforting somehow.  Make you feel full and fluffy and nice.  That's 90% of what I eat which probably explains my quite visible weight problem.  Aren't I fat?  Ha, you have no idea.

Next up, I guess I have time for an ice cream sandwich!

ICE CREAM SANDWICH

I believe these things are by selection.  Mmmm delicious, sweet, chewy soft texture.  Soo good.  Very tiny things.  Gone before you realized you wanted one.  Nah.  I am forced to savour today.  They make the cookies of these ones very soft and chocolatey.  Did a very good job.  Selection brand can be hit and miss.  It's just a very well done typical ice cream sandwich, nothing fancy.  I like.

Okay bye for now.

Next time we eat corn!  And this time it will be different, Steve!

Stoner Food Reviews (Rebaked!), Day 1

Hello bitches who actually read this!  (Aka no one)  I am back at it again!

Last time: http://hermitthefrogblog.blogspot.ca/2014/02/reviewing-foods-while-stoned.html

I am doing stoner food reviews for… reasons I guess.  I don't even know why really, I guess I just feel like stuffing my face for some somewhat, slightly more legitimate reason than hunger.  I may do a week, a few weeks or a month like my last attempt at this.  I'll play it by ear.  So, without further ado, I will now 420 blaze it faggot.

…

(Listen to this while you're "waiting") https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTpWq7rlpIY

…

(Or this) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMK4cfXj5c0

…


Hey it's high me.  I don't know if it's just that warm and fuzzy feeling I'm getting but I trust you guys.  I love you guys, whether you're scrolling through here to find some specific thing that I can't offer you, laughing at the horrible quality, here completely by accident and shortly leaving or someone who really really wants to see every search result about a "hedonistic hermit" because perhaps it's a lifestyle that they want to learn more about.  All the same, you guys are so wonderful and truly the light of my life.  So I'm going to tell you my name.  I am Valerie Heston.  This is my photo:

Ha!  How did you fall for that?  That was a stock photo that I got my picking the fifth result after I googled "woman stock photo."  You need to work on your critical thinking.  Not my name either… or is it?

Anyway, for my first food item, I will be reviewing (yes, I'm high, but I'm not a moron, I can still think and write properly)…

RASPBERRIES!!!  

My all time favourite fruit and one of my favourite foods.  I am starving so I will dig in.  I place the bowl in front of me and it makes the most wonderful knock on the wood.  My body almost sighs with relief.  A bit bitter right now but they are still refreshing and tasty and they have such a lovely texture.  Yeah, for some reason they taste very bitter, okay not very bitter but bitter.  Maybe it has something to do with smoking?  Guess I'll just keep eating.  I think they are getting less bitter.  Still good, all the same.

POUTINE WRAP

Next up, continuing and ending the Canadian theme is poutine, in a wrap.  Yes.  Poutine can be improved upon.  Do you ever think every famous director has a secret cult and they put all kinds of vague symbolism in their movies that teach subtle lessons relating to their cult and these movies are watched over and over again within this cult and movie scenes are quoted like bible passages?  No?  Just me?  This poutine wrap is made with a store-brand tortilla, Cavendish frozen fries, Double Gloucester cheese, cheddar cheese (no cheese curds because fuck you, that's why) and some canned St. Hubert brown gravy.  It's going to be aces and unfortunately you can only eat it vicariously through me. :D 

Oh making it was lots of fun but taking the picture, agony, with the anticipation of waiting to eat it.  Massive munchies right now.  I'll try a fry first.  Fucking good.  Mmmm, potato and just enough salt and crispiness.  One more.  Yeah I got good fries and gravy.  Fries are a bit burnt, but worth it just to eat the good ones.  Wrap time.  Hmmm a bit weird with the Double Gloucester but nice otherwise.  Somehow the gravy is more bitter with the cheese.  Maybe I added too much gravy, it's an exact science getting the proportion right.  Really wonderful texture.  Not too messy either, a bonus.  The wrap really compliments the poutine.  It's white flour so obviously it's an amazing-tasting burrito.  White power, right?  I take back the thing about it not being messy.  And you don't want it messy - it'll look like you were doing scat/bukkake fusion porn.  Maybe I'm making a mess because I'm high.  Yeah, not even too bitter, just too salty.  

What if someone proposed to me by putting a ring inside the cap of a beer bottle?  Fuck yeah.  That's the most romantic thing in the world.  That or proposing with a box of weed that looks like a jewelry box.  Any guy that does that is a keeper.  

I'm getting so tired.  It's almost 4:30 am.  Shouldn't have stayed up this late.  Alas.

BEER

The last item is a Scottish beer made with an ancient recipe apparently.  It's called Grozet and it's a Gooseberry Ale by Williams Brothers Brewing Co.  

Very unique.  Bitter berry flavour so far.  Kind of reminds me of blackberries because they are bitter berries.  Some little hints of sweetness to it.  It's definitely drinkable.  I don't think I've ever tried gooseberries and they don't sound very appetizing, but this beer is not only quite tasty and well-balanced but it also tastes like berries, possibly gooseberries so already it is way better than actual gooseberries by a long shot.  After this I'm going to be absolutely ready for bed.  Can't even really describe the flavour.  Maybe a little earthy?  There's a bit of spiciness to it.  It does help to do that thing that you do with wine, where you swish the sip around your mouth.  It's like your tongue put on a pair of glasses.  I thought maybe I tasted a note of vanilla and banana.  Picking up a lot of things!  Or maybe that's just the gooseberry flavour.  It's good though, I enjoy it.  

Next time we eat porn.

Crushed Heart Room (poem)

Put my heart in the crushed heart room

With all the other pathetic clichéd souls

Who were stupid enough to give away 

Their entire being

Put my tears in the vat of those 

Who say they’d do anything for him

But would rather just cry

Put my mind in the nursery

Of wretched obsessive teenage girls

As Taylor Swift rocks the pink sponges to sleep

But they will never sleep

Spinning constant tapestries of endless

Implausible fantasies 

Starring the one who left them behind

Play the world’s smallest violin 

For the sucker who almost 

Put her foot in her mouth

Thank God I found out before 

I wore my heart on my sleeve

But he just put his hand inside me

And crushed it

Before I could even tell him anything

So does it matter what I did?

And this isn’t poetry

I’m not doing anything really

Just trying to be alive

But why?

Trying to lose weight

For what?

Trying to keep my job

To survive

What’s keeping me here?

I can’t stop thinking that it isn’t true

That you were misquoted

But it’s the end

I can’t feed that poor brain 

Any more love propaganda

Without resistance

Acid reflux

How fucking romantic

He doesn’t think I’m worth being with 

So why should I be worth anything to anyone?

He ruined all the other guys for me

I let him do that

They’re just hot guys

I’d never date them

I just don’t know what to say or do

Can’t bother to rhyme

This isn’t a limerick

Or a Shakespeare play 

Or a Doctor Seuss book

I don’t know where to go

Why do anything?

I have to see him all the time

Hang out with him

He wants to string me along

Like a little balloon that he’ll...

...release to the sky

When he’s bored with it

Float up to the blue endless sky 

Tears blown away by the wind as he 

Walks away as if I was never in his hands

As he grows smaller and smaller

Irrelevant

Food Stamps Challenge Corrections

I apologize.  I was wrong on two things.

1. You can only buy food with food stamps.  Toiletries/household supplies/paper products are all on your own dime according to the SNAP website.

2. Many people have mentioned that it is intended to supplement your income.  I assumed that many people on food stamps probably would if they had a job or some extra income, but most people on the program only had food stamps to buy food.  However, according to some USDA statistics, 75% of SNAP participants use a combination of food stamps and their own money and only 20% of SNAP participants have no income (including government assistance).  So some people rely solely on food stamps to eat, but most have other incomes.  

A quote from the Washington Post article: "[T]he maximum monthly benefits can quickly climb as the size of the household grows. A family of four, for instance, could receive as much as $668 a month for food."

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/fact-checker/post/the-snap-challenge-the-claim-that-food-stamp-recipients-get-by-on-450-a-day/2013/06/19/110f6b14-d925-11e2-a016-92547bf094cc_blog.html

So apparently it is not as bad as I thought.  I will still donate to a food bank, but that is quite a bit of food for thought...

Food Stamps Challenge, Canadian Edition: Day

I'm finally finished! (And I beat Gwyneth!)

Weight: 145 (down 3 pounds)

Meals:
Breakfast: Piece of frozen pizza, 2 pieces of toast (with butter and peanut butter) and a banana
Lunch: 3 little cracker samples (free), granola bar
Snack: Cookie
Dinner: Vegetable soup, toast with peanut butter

I had quite the day.  I was asked to stay and work 3.5 hours of overtime at work when I was originally going to work a 5 hour shift; 8.5 hours altogether.  However, I only packed a granola bar and a cookie in my lunch which would then have to last me 8.5 hours.  I really wanted more hours, so I took it, but I was unsure of how well I would do on that amount of food, deciding that I would have one snack on my first break and the other snack on my next break.  I ended up sort of cheating and going to the free sample stand which amounted to 3 little crackers but I'll take what I can get.  I don't know if it's cheating since it's free and it wasn't very much food.

Later, the store got extremely busy, the supervisor got sick and couldn't continue her shift and it was a stressful shift with the store sorely understaffed.  With all the chaos and the need to focus on being as efficient as possible, I must have had an adrenaline rush because I did not feel hungry at all throughout my shift but I ate because I felt that I needed to.  All in all, it was a weird day and I relaxed with dinner and reading in the bath.

And now for the moment of truth.  What is left over?  Well, obviously you already know because you probably skimmed the text to look at the picture.

My leftovers:

For $35 in one week, I'd say that I did pretty well.  But now, let's think: could this feed another person?  My brothers or my dad, all around 6 feet tall and 2 of them overweight?  My guess is that this food would provide 11 very modest meals and a lot of milk and cookie snacks.  That would last a person 4 days at the most.  So, no, I do not think SNAP is feasible for more than one person and even then it is definitely a tight budget.  Maybe I didn't budget correctly and maybe with some adjustments I could have fed two, but I find it unlikely that it would feed 3 or more people.  I won't rule it out; there are very cheap cuts of meat and packages of produce out there, but, to me, it doesn't seem possible.  I believe that it's possible that I could still survive on this budget for one person if I were also buying toiletries and toilet paper but it wouldn't be easy.

What did I learn from this? 

- Living on a food budget requires very careful planning; no impulse buying or giving in to cravings. 

- I have a better understanding of food budgeting.

- If I want to do overtime at work while under a tight budget like this, I need to pack extra food just in case.  

- From an overweight person's perspective, I am eating too much.  You don't need that much food to feel full.  

- PC Spinach pizza is awful and I will not buy it again.

- It is possible for one person to live on $35/week, $140 a month of food but it requires discipline and planning.  It is extremely difficult for 2 or more people to live on $35/week, $140/month.

- Coffee is addictive and the withdrawal is not fun but it's over in a couple days.

- And, most importantly, SNAP (Food Stamps) desperately needs more funding...

Now that the challenge is over, since it's past midnight and I've had all my meals, I feel like I'm stepping into a fantasy world with so many flavours that includes coffee, beer, wine, Parmesan, sour cream... (and I wonder why I'm still fat)

But I'm being melodramatic.  Thousands, maybe millions of Americans (and Canadians and other nationalities that do not have the SNAP program) do this for a good portion of their lives.  I will be donating to a local food bank in my community now that the challenge is done.  Since I'm on the internet, I'm not sure whether I should say that I donated or not since I am tooting my own horn if I tell people, but I'm just doing this for attention if I did the challenge without people knowing that I donated.  Maybe I'll leave it at this: Don't worry.  I'm terrible.  I realize that donating to a food bank or a charitable organization benefiting the homeless or the poor does not make me any more special or moral than anyone else. 

And with that, I will say thank you for reading (if anyone bothered to)!