Sunday, November 20, 2016

Stoner Food Reviews (Rebaked!), Day 1

Hello bitches who actually read this!  (Aka no one)  I am back at it again!

Last time:

I am doing stoner food reviews for… reasons I guess.  I don't even know why really, I guess I just feel like stuffing my face for some somewhat, slightly more legitimate reason than hunger.  I may do a week, a few weeks or a month like my last attempt at this.  I'll play it by ear.  So, without further ado, I will now 420 blaze it faggot.

(Listen to this while you're "waiting")

(Or this)

Hey it's high me.  I don't know if it's just that warm and fuzzy feeling I'm getting but I trust you guys.  I love you guys, whether you're scrolling through here to find some specific thing that I can't offer you, laughing at the horrible quality, here completely by accident and shortly leaving or someone who really really wants to see every search result about a "hedonistic hermit" because perhaps it's a lifestyle that they want to learn more about.  All the same, you guys are so wonderful and truly the light of my life.  So I'm going to tell you my name.  I am Valerie Heston.  This is my photo:

Ha!  How did you fall for that?  That was a stock photo that I got my picking the fifth result after I googled "woman stock photo."  You need to work on your critical thinking.  Not my name either… or is it?

Anyway, for my first food item, I will be reviewing (yes, I'm high, but I'm not a moron, I can still think and write properly)…


My all time favourite fruit and one of my favourite foods.  I am starving so I will dig in.  I place the bowl in front of me and it makes the most wonderful knock on the wood.  My body almost sighs with relief.  A bit bitter right now but they are still refreshing and tasty and they have such a lovely texture.  Yeah, for some reason they taste very bitter, okay not very bitter but bitter.  Maybe it has something to do with smoking?  Guess I'll just keep eating.  I think they are getting less bitter.  Still good, all the same.


Next up, continuing and ending the Canadian theme is poutine, in a wrap.  Yes.  Poutine can be improved upon.  Do you ever think every famous director has a secret cult and they put all kinds of vague symbolism in their movies that teach subtle lessons relating to their cult and these movies are watched over and over again within this cult and movie scenes are quoted like bible passages?  No?  Just me?  This poutine wrap is made with a store-brand tortilla, Cavendish frozen fries, Double Gloucester cheese, cheddar cheese (no cheese curds because fuck you, that's why) and some canned St. Hubert brown gravy.  It's going to be aces and unfortunately you can only eat it vicariously through me. :D 

Oh making it was lots of fun but taking the picture, agony, with the anticipation of waiting to eat it.  Massive munchies right now.  I'll try a fry first.  Fucking good.  Mmmm, potato and just enough salt and crispiness.  One more.  Yeah I got good fries and gravy.  Fries are a bit burnt, but worth it just to eat the good ones.  Wrap time.  Hmmm a bit weird with the Double Gloucester but nice otherwise.  Somehow the gravy is more bitter with the cheese.  Maybe I added too much gravy, it's an exact science getting the proportion right.  Really wonderful texture.  Not too messy either, a bonus.  The wrap really compliments the poutine.  It's white flour so obviously it's an amazing-tasting burrito.  White power, right?  I take back the thing about it not being messy.  And you don't want it messy - it'll look like you were doing scat/bukkake fusion porn.  Maybe I'm making a mess because I'm high.  Yeah, not even too bitter, just too salty.  

What if someone proposed to me by putting a ring inside the cap of a beer bottle?  Fuck yeah.  That's the most romantic thing in the world.  That or proposing with a box of weed that looks like a jewelry box.  Any guy that does that is a keeper.  

I'm getting so tired.  It's almost 4:30 am.  Shouldn't have stayed up this late.  Alas.


The last item is a Scottish beer made with an ancient recipe apparently.  It's called Grozet and it's a Gooseberry Ale by Williams Brothers Brewing Co.  

Very unique.  Bitter berry flavour so far.  Kind of reminds me of blackberries because they are bitter berries.  Some little hints of sweetness to it.  It's definitely drinkable.  I don't think I've ever tried gooseberries and they don't sound very appetizing, but this beer is not only quite tasty and well-balanced but it also tastes like berries, possibly gooseberries so already it is way better than actual gooseberries by a long shot.  After this I'm going to be absolutely ready for bed.  Can't even really describe the flavour.  Maybe a little earthy?  There's a bit of spiciness to it.  It does help to do that thing that you do with wine, where you swish the sip around your mouth.  It's like your tongue put on a pair of glasses.  I thought maybe I tasted a note of vanilla and banana.  Picking up a lot of things!  Or maybe that's just the gooseberry flavour.  It's good though, I enjoy it.  

Next time we eat porn.

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