Stoner Food Reviews, Day 4

Happy Hump day/Wednesday.  Once again, it is late in the day for me, because I have poor planning and self-control.  There, I admitted it.

Today I shall be reviewing this:

Havana Club rum: Bitter, rich aftertaste, tastes slightly sweet, warms up my throat as it goes down, it evens buzzes my nose with warmth as it goes down, not that good-tasting (I prefer Sambuca or Cinnamon Schnapps), tastes a bit like frogs as it goes down, I can't imagine trying to get drunk on a bottle of this, I think I'd gag; good thing it's just a small sample.  Glad that's over.  I really don't get why people like the appeal to the taste of hard liquor.  Sure, it's faster than other drinks and therefore more convenient, but I think that sacrifices a lot in terms of taste.  Some hard liquors are tasty, but most are abysmal.  I'm sure many people will call me an idiot, but it's better to be honest about what you like and don't like.  Don't pretend to like something if you don't understand the appeal.

I might have a snack with this.  Let's take a looksie...  

Toast with butter and strawberry jam: I can't comprehend eating with my left for some reason.  I'll try.  Ok.  Better. Sugary, strawberry flavour, it sticks to my lips.  When the butter and strawberry meet, it's like everything in the universe is good.  Not the best bread, which can take away from the flavour.  I love the evening.  That was lovely.  It's best on blueberry bagels, though.

Goodnight, stoners of the world!

Stoner Food Reviews, Day 3

Hello again anyone who is randomly reading this!  It's that time again; the time to get baked and get baking.  Today, I have stayed up late (until 6 pm... so sad...) making Maple Syrup Muffins.  I've made this several times before and they are my little brother's favourite.  There were more muffins on that plate but they disappeared as I set up to snap the picture:

If you want to make them yourself, they are from an old 'eighties cookbook called Muffin Mania.  Unfortunately, it might be hard to get since it's so old.  They have copies on Amazon selling for anywhere in between $60 and $1000.

http://www.amazon.ca/Muffin-Mania-Cathy-Pauli-Prange/dp/096914850X

But if you live in Toronto, you can get it for a more reasonable price at certain addresses:

http://www.thestar.com/life/2008/09/03/muffin_mania_continues_unabated.html

The above was written sober, because I had to post pictures.  Anyway, I'll be back once I'm in the proper state of mind...

Okay, I'm high, but not as high as usual today.  Sorry.  :(

It's so weird looking at a picture of something you're eating as you eat it, especially if it's the exact muffin you are eating.  Trippy.

Maple Syrup Muffin: Wow, it's really hot.  Burning my tongue (I just microwaved it).  I'll wait a bit.  Check Facebook.  Tasted like a lizard at first, but now it's really yummy and warm.  Eh, maybe lizards taste good when they're cooked right.  Who knows?  The icing is really buttery.  I'm as baked as this muffin.  This is like a less sweet version of those Popcorn Muffins I made a while ago.  Delicious.  Now to chase it with something else.

Little Glass of Milk: Not too much flavour, but it goes nicely with the aftertaste of the muffin.  Maybe I should have been taking sips of the milk as I ate the muffin!  I think I'll do that actually.  Nice combo of hot and cold, but the flavour does not change to me.  Just tasting each flavour separately.

Beer (President's Choice Light, I sure love my PC products, don't I?  I wonder if Progressive Conservatives are more likely to buy PC products...):  Too much sweetness, have to get rid of the taste.  Tart, sudsy, foamy, savoury, yeasty, beer hits the spot.  Really starting to feel ready for bed.  I feel like a heaviness is being draped over me.  Hard to describe the taste of beer.  When I was a kid it was just weird tasting stuff that was watered down a lot.  Now it's a lot more, because it's one of the drinks that I really drink for the taste, but it's hard to say what I like about it.  I guess how much liquid it is and how it fills you so much and tastes so meaty.

Time for Arrested Development and bed.

Disney porn

So apparently making porn of cartoon and Disney characters is really appealing to a lot of people.  I guess it's just because the cartoons are so pure, innocent and wholesome (dare I say holier-than-thou?), it almost seems inevitable that they are already either secretly corrupt or that they really need to be corrupted.  If you don't believe this, look up Kim Possible on google image search with safe search turned off.  My brother showed me this and it was unbelievable what there was to choose from in terms of nude and sexual images.  They even had a Kim Possible version of the aristocrats, using the Possible family.  I guess that's a quintuplet orgy?  A quinsome?  Anyway, I will never look at that cartoon the same way again.  But it seems pretty much any Disney movie or cartoon in general seems to have a large pile of porn associated with it.  I won't show you any of the really dirty stuff (you can look it up yourself if you're curious), but I found this set of pictures amusing, and really, really well done.  Basically, an artist has depicted all of the famous Disney heroes and princes as hot underwear models.  Well, they left out Mickey and Donald and such.  I guess they mostly just depicted the human ones.  They even have a delicious depiction of the live action Disney prince from Enchanted.

Enjoy...

http://youbentmywookie.com/wtf/these-aint-your-mamas-typical-disney-princes-7312

My only complaints were that John Smith wasn't muscular enough and that Milo Thatch was too muscular.

Stoner Food Reviews, Day 2

Hello again.  It's been a difficult and stressful day of work and I think all night owls (fuck off day people, I'm not talking to you!) are ready for a nice night of smoky relaxation and beautiful, flabbergasting, indulgent munchies.

Just to let you guys know, I am writing while high, not sober, for the full effect.  I will not edit out anything dumb I say because it's too funny to not include, even typos or grammar/spelling errors, which will annoy my inner grammar nazi to no end.

So without further ado, I bring you...

President's Choice Mac and Cheese Deluxe Cheddar: I was getting wet just pouring it into the bowl and then, since I was listening to "Make it Bun Dem" By Damien Marley and Skrillex, I start dancing really awesomely and awkwardly.  Now to eat.  God it looks good.  Oh my God.  I need a fleet of trucks filled with this cheesy deliciousness in a box.  Warm, toasty in my mouth.  Oh man, I've got to write something down...  The supreme mac and cheese.  The top ranked.  The most buttery and immaculate.  My God I loooove this food...  Must stop talking and start eating.  Oh it was wonderful.  It's my wonder wall.  It's my wonder wall.  Because time is going slower, it seems like there is a lot of food that takes a long time to consume.  Really spectacular dish!

Linden Bay Shiraz (To the laymen: red, red wine.  Stay close to me.): Weird, tart.  The wine is purple, not red.  Well, duh.  I've known that for years.  "Red, red wine" is a nice song but if I were in Jamaica, the last drink I'd be reaching for would be red wine.  I'd go for a beer or a margarita, something tropical.  The mac and cheese was better.  Just sayin'!

Well, good afternoon all and hope you have a great day ahead of you because I have a great sleep ahead of me.

Next time: We eat expired Cheese Whiz!!  Not worried for my well being because I just ate a full box of mac and cheese!  I can withstand the artificial cheese of the Kraft and President's Choice companies easily because my stomach has become used to their wonky ingredients!  I developed a resistance to iocane, I mean Kraft Dinner ingredients!  Ha!  Ha!  You fell victim to one of the classic blunders!  Ciao!

Stoner Food Reviews, Day 1

I think my palate is much more appreciative while I am under the influence so I think it would be interesting if I spent maybe a month reviewing food while I am completely baked (as is the food, in some cases).  So, without further ado, I shall review lots of food each day while under a mystical curse called "the munchies"!

Day 1:

Ice cream: rich, sweet, malleable, frosty.  Ice cream is just so good!  I can't stop eating it!  One more bite.  No, another.  No, another.  Oh, who am I kidding?  I'm eating this faster than someone freshly dumped!  It flits like a feather on my tongue.  So delicious.

Root beer float: Strong flavour reminiscent of liquorice (Sambuca is liquorice liquor.  Ha!  Get it?).  Milky vanilla ice cream merged with that distinctive pop flavour is amazing.  Great combo of flavours.  This is the best drink ever.  I just wish it was healthier but it still tasted the same.  Not good for my health to have one every day for two days in a row.  Good, good root beer.  Food is so nice.  A slight hint of peppermint.  I love the texture; it looks like a mug full of beer, even though it's in a coffee mug.  Come to think of it, that Butter beer I had in Stratford-Upon-Avon was probably just a some kind of pop float...  Oh, well, it has a really interesting chemical reaction; a more pleasant and contained reaction than diet coke and Mentos.  Getting full.

Next time: We eat President's Choice Mac and Cheese (my current favourite food, tied with Paneer Mahkahni)!  Looking forward to it!

Three Generations

Wow I haven't posted in so long.  My last official post was in July of last year...  I'd feel bad, but it's not like I have an enormous following.

Trying out some artsy food photography with my HTC phone camera, since I don't actually have a digital camera.  I call these two pieces "Three Generations" or "Daughter, Mother and Grandma" and they were inspired by my typical midnight snack of raisins and red wine.  I bought some grapes today to complete the family.

Published and new poem

I can't say I'm not published now, because I am officially published in a literary magazine!  I found out about their call for submissions on Writerscafe and one of my poems impressed them, so now it is in a magazine called "Wednesday Night Writes."

https://sites.google.com/site/wednesdaynightwrites/current-issue

I also wrote a new poem, which I just finished editing today.  I don't even remember what riled me up to write this but it is kind of a culmination of my feelings on the skinny beautiful women we admire and tear apart with media.  While women are a victim of all these fads and diets and trends, I have a certain dislike (hate is too strong a word) for the people that wholeheartedly follow these trends, whether they help to enforce them and to create them or whether they are outside the trends and simply follow them...

I don't know if I should be saying more with this poem, but it has gone through a lot of adjusting (rhyme scheme, evening out the amount of lines in each stanza) and I feel proud of the finished product.  Maybe I will change it later.  I don't know at this point.  I personally like it.

Crumbling Under a Feather:

You strip naked and then

Display your protruding ribs and your gentle curves

Bask in the lust and admiration of drooling men

Glued to their MacBooks, fingers pressed to nerves

You think you are a sex symbol

Your beauty commands respect

Strong and nimble

Attention simply what you expect

But you’re wrong about your power

You’re weak, tied with a tether

A fragile, dainty flower

Crumbling under a feather

You do what they tell you to do

Tiny tits are better than sagging thighs

Body hair like buzzing flies

Cellulite

Overnight

You are a socialite

Swallow pills so hearty

Starve day after day as you become more vein

Stay up all night at parties

Prolong the pain

Hover over the toilet below

Half crying, half vomiting, hungover

Your guilty pleasures are reality shows

The Biggest Loser, Extreme Makeover

Love, sex and lust

Drive you to do this

Or maybe you just want trust

For someone to care instead of dismiss

The powder from the thick white sponge invades your nostrils

It is the bread, your red nail polish the wine

Vogue and Cosmo your glossy gospels

Your closet of designer shoes a shrine

Cocktail dresses and Gucci are your new burger and draught

Finding nourishment in Martinis, icy words

Why do you think this will make up for your past?

All it does is make it worse